A life span of three weeks in captivity..

- - - - -

Sometimes I try, I’ll try to breathe in as much air as my lungs, throat and cheeks could possibly hold. Then I’ll pause for a brief second or two, just to feel alive, let the calmness take over — and I’ll exhale.

If I get lucky, it works in my favor about 50% of the time.

It’s as if we’ve skipped the Spring season entirely this year. And thus, I’m afraid. I don’t want us to disappear; I don’t want us to be forgotten. I miss our nightly strolls accompanied by our mindless conversations about religion, politics and soul mates. I miss our mini road trips and our weekend picnic play dates. I miss the way you were so certain of things while I was always so afraid. We were so young then, weren’t we?

It’s so hard to forget you, though years have passed, when you’ve given me so much to remember..

- - - - -

“No Elynn, let’s not catch the butterfly, it’ll die. It’s not ours to keep, it belongs out here.”

Come. Dive in.

We’re at the shallow end of the pool.

- - - - -

He’s lying again. I can tell by the tone of his voice. The way his eyes smile, and the sudden sweetness in his speech. And how the corner of his mouth slightly perches upward when he’s not speaking.

I know he’s lying, and yet, I let him get away with it…

- - - - -

“How do you trust your feelings,
when they can just disappear like that?”

“I can smell the ocean from here..”
“Joanna, not now! We live in the middle of the city!”
”..but..I..”
“Stop it! There is no ocean here!”

- - - -

He lets out a sigh and walks out of our bedroom. His footsteps are heavy. I can hear them thumping against the concrete floor and trailing off into the the living room. And it is at this moment, where I want so much just to open my eyes to see him, and to call out for him; but I can’t. I’m not here..

Lately, he’s been less patient with me. I can’t blame him. I know he’s tired too. He’s beginning to feel the world weighing down on him because of me. The world which once belonged to just the two of us, where nothing else seemed to matter as long as we had each other in our arms. The world was so perfect then. But somehow, somewhere along the road, everything began to fall apart. Thick, grey clouds loom above our heads now. The fragments of our days are scattered everywhere. And memories seem so far out of our reach, as though they were only dreams.

And I know, this isn’t the life he chose..

He wasn’t always like this; we weren’t always like this. We used to to laugh together and serenade silly songs to one another. We spent long Sunday afternoons watching movies in our bed, eating freshly burnt popcorn out of those microwavable bags. We’d wrestle and cuddle, wishing that forever would somehow come to us sooner. Then he’d tickle me until I cried and begged for mercy. We were inseparable.

We wanted to travel and watch the sunset from all corners of the world. We wanted to taste the world even if it meant that we had to live out of our pockets and work odd jobs. We had so much life and love for each other. We even chased after the same dreams. But most of all, we supported and believed in us.

I’m not sure what exactly happened, to us, or to me. Perhaps we were just naive then. We spent too much time dreaming. Living in a world that existed solely in our minds. We disregarded Reality, we pushed our luck with Fate, we tested Love, and we lost. Now, we sleep on the opposite sides of the bed, our backs facing one another, wishing that forever would never have to come..

- - - - -

Will we be replaced?

You’re everywhere.

In this mere space where I call home,
..everything reminds me of you.

and I miss you.
and I need you.

- - - - -

hbd,<3.

It’s still very much like a dream to me..

..how you re-entered my life so abruptly, yet so casually, just nine months ago; and disrupted everything I’d known.

And as strange as it all may seem, my heart still skips a beat..every time you grab a hold of my hand..and our fingers interlace.

- - - - -

I wish I had the ability to freeze time,
so that I would never have to lose you.

“You may not be perfect,
or even close to it..”

- - - - -

It’s silent.

I look at you from a distance, and I see the contour of your face. I see the outline of your wearied body cradled deeply into my bed. And my heart aches for you..for all of the pain that I’ve caused you, and for all of the sleepless nights you’ve had to endure. Though every part of you echoes upon me, a familiar sense of calmness and serenity, I can’t help but feel as though you’re also..slowly, slipping away from me..

And suddenly, everything is muffled..

I’m sorry, but I must save myself.
..I must spare you from me.

- - - - -

“but I love you,

and to me..
you’re as perfect as you can be.”

“Do you feel it?”
“Feel what?”
“It’s him. He’s coming back.”
“Who’s coming back?”
“He’s coming back for me, again…”
“Who is? And what does he want from you?”
“Please, don’t let him get to me…”

- - - - -

It’s your undeniable presence, even though you’re no where near me.

Learning not to be overly joyous of the simple things in life is the most important lesson you’ve taught me. Even then, sometimes…I lose myself, and I forget. I become too comfortable without you guiding my every step and I begin to feel contentment.

Then there you are. Always so unexpected, your visits. You’re always watching over me, aren’t you? And you bring me back to reality; you bring me back to where I belong.

…and now I’m back in your playpen. I’m back here with you again, and I hope that makes you happy.

We are not defined by our choices. I never chose you. You chose me. And I am the ever so lucky one, because I get to relive my your mistakes.

- - - - -

“Then sleep. Just go to sleep.
 If you go to sleep now, and forever,
 he’ll never come back for you again.”

Rain drops in my morning cup o’ joe.
And the singing mail box.

- - - - -

I used to believe that you’d come back to me; or that you’d come looking for me…as you once had so many times before.

Is this the end of us? I can’t find you anywhere…

Eight years have gone by, and through all of my failed relationships, I realize now, that I have been living in a web of my own lies and fantasies; created, only because a part of me is still clinging on to the memories of you and me.

Hold on to me, I don’t want to let you go…

But the truth is, you won’t be coming back. I’ve always known. You’ve moved on and I’ve lost you, seven years ago.

I’m here. I’m waiting for you.

Every so often, I still find myself dwelling on the promises we made years ago. Though I know nothing will ever come of it, it still calms me to think about you, and what could have been us.

…and here, I wish for you a life time of happiness,
wherever you may be.  <3

- - - - -

…dip, dip, dip,
dippity dip.

SPLASH.

Dear Pancakes,

How’s your first day in cat Heaven? I hope they have lots of pillows for you to sleep on and an array of morning sun for you to lounge under all day. A fountain of fresh spring water and always, a clean kitty litter box with your name engraved on it. I had a dream about you last night, you were chasing bugs and purring again, like you used to when I first brought you home. :) You looked very blissful!

Oh, which reminds me, have they given you back your kitty claws yet, now that you’re in Heaven? If they have, remember not to scratch behind your ears and under your chin too roughly. I know the doctors said you have a tough hide, but still, be gentle. Those claws can be deadly at times. And if they haven’t, I’m sure they have fashioned some sort of scratching device for all the good kitties up there, so enjoy yourself~

I’m sorry we had to let you go, I’m sure that’s what you would’ve wanted, too. I hope you remember and know that we were all there with you till the end yesterday. And I hope you heard our goodbyes. Pancakes, you were a wonderful cat and you always got along with our other not-so-kind animals. I really enjoyed having you around with me with every move. I know it was hard to adjust and a lot of the times you were stressed, too. But you always stuck around. You always knew how to cheer me up on my bad days, and I thank you ever so much for being there with me, through it all.

Anyhow, I really just wanted to let you know that we love you and we miss your fluffiness very much here on planet earth. After all, you’re the only cat with a bottom lip. And in all honesty, I think you’re the most gorgeous cat ever.   xD

With loads of love and kisses,
Elynn

P.S. If you ever come across a tiny grey and orange kitty in Heaven, please look after her. Her name is Doudou, she was very sick just like you were. And tell her that we miss her very much too.

(You’ll forever and always be remembered~ ^_^)